Dreams, Thoughts, & the Unseen

never really seems to be a good thing, a small amount can be healthy, but today I had an overwhelming response just to a photo and I’m not even sure why. Someone blatantly asked, “do you think you still have feelings for [them] or is it that type of situation where you don’t want [them], but don’t really want [them] with anyone else either?” My only response at that moment was all of the above. Seriously?!?! People are part of your past for a REASON, but you also can’t help how you feel. I AM NOT in  a position to start anything with ANYONE knowing full well I’m interviewing again at the end of the month and possibly moving 2,000 miles away. WTF?

My heart is so confused… I think my brain truly is too. Anyone have answers?

It’s crazy to think that I just want someone who gets it, that I have this idea of someone in my head, yet they do exist, but I’m just too scared… He knows it, I know it. We have admitted that things just need to happen because what if we really do fall in love, even after only spending a couple of hours together? What if it is truly meant to be even after all these years of just being friends? Only someday will we both know…

Then of course, there are always those people who just show up when you don’t expect it and in my case, I end up having this incredible connection with them. It scares me because being alone is still new, but I still crave the unknown only because I want to know what could or might happen. It’s so much easier to live in a daydream than to live in my reality. He actually understands my daily struggle of how I look, my weight and the fact that not only am I a foodie, but I LOVE junkfood (we truly have a love/hate relationship). He’s been divorced, no kids-wants them, is very close to his family, southern, and just cute! 

Someone of my very recent past decided to show up and it’s hard to not care because I still love him so much. Of course I still have to wait for answers just because of his job, but I signed up for that when I met him 3 years ago. It’s amazing how much things have changed from the day we met, even to the last year of us not being together. I’ll have my answers, but my heart will want something else. I have tried to close myself off to him and thought I would be ok, but I’m not. When you go through so many things and have a connection so great, it’s hard to just let it go and to walk away…

I have discovered that not only do I have a soft spot for southern boys, but they seem to just find me and are attracted to me. Guess this will be one of those things in life for me that I just can’t let go.

When it comes to matters of the heart, my head just gets in the way. I spend too much time in my head and think I know what I am doing. I like to follow my heart, but after recent events, it’s hard to trust my heart knows what it is doing. My brain constantly tells me otherwise. When it comes to matters of the heart, who are we to judge? Trust it, take that risk and who knows what you will find? Find a soul mate? a best friend? your happily ever after? No one really knows, but matters of the heart alone are such a big risk, only you can decide what is right for you even if you seek answers from others on the outside.

You show up again after all this time and all I know is I’m fucking confused because my head says run away while my heart tells me to run to you and continue to love you. I haven’t stopped loving you, but there are some things I just don’t know about and it’s tearing me apart tonight.
I don’t want to go backwards, I want to move forward, but there’s so much to think about, to talk about…